Porn fixes everything

I’m sure we’re all familiar with the traditional uses of porn, but few are willing to admit that it can be a great asset to your everyday life. Porn can fix most of your problems. Sexual frustration and sexual confusion are obvious, but what about other issues?

Warning: I don’t promise that there will be no consequences from these examples and am not liable for them.

Imagine this: You have a paper due in the morning, but cannot motivate yourself to actually get started on it. You have scrolled through Facebook or Twitter, watched several episodes of your favorite show on Netflix, and are slowly running out of things to use for procrastination. You are even considering cleaning your horrendously filthy

Maybe this is where you need to be instead. Image from Creative Commons.
Maybe this is where you need to be instead. Image from Creative Commons.

room. Have no fear, the porn industry has you covered. Why clean or do your paper when you can watch two people make an attempt at procreation? I’ll take looking at naked people over doing a paper any day. You know you are not going to do your paper until half an hour before class anyway.

What about that pesky girlfriend of yours? You were mostly hanging out with her out of boredom, but then she became serious about you. You could not find a way out and are now in an unwanted relationship. The thing is, you have started to like her as a friend and don’t want to hurt her. No big deal, porn has got your back. Just casually look up the kinkiest gay porn you can think of and leave it on your laptop when you know she is about to use it. Boom, now she thinks you are gay and kinky and will hopefully break it off (without telling any of your friends or her hot roommate you have always wanted to hook up with).

You are at home for the summer or on family vacation, and tired of your parents. After being away from them all year, having them around again is starting to be frustrating. All you need is some time alone, but they don’t seem to get the point. They continuously schedule bonding time and don’t understand the idea of privacy. You would do almost anything to get some alone time. Turn some porn on for a few minutes until you know they’ve caught a glimpse or two. They’ll think you are doing the unmentionable deed and will probably leave you alone out of pure awkwardness. It might even buy you a few days of privacy. You can thank me later.

Really, porn can adapt to any situation to fix your problem: procrastination, unwanted relationships, and dealing with your parents. You just have to stop putting porn into a square box and let it flow, free to be used as needed, with almost any problem.