Highlanders Anonymous: Romance, threesomes and ambiguity!

Question: “There’s a girl that I like that just got out of a long relationship and doesn’t want to see anyone at the moment. What should I do in order to win her heart or at least make her give me a chance?”

Answer: It depends on why she’s telling you that, whether you’ve asked her out or not and whether or not it looks like she’s trying to friend zone you.

If you have asked her out and she said she doesn’t want a relationship, it basically means she doesn’t want to see you. You can tell yourself that she might want to see you again in the future and, if she’s being honest with you, that might be true; it’s probably not worth it in the long run. The differences between Miss Right and Miss Right-At-The-Wrong-Time lie in the circumstances in which you found her. If she’s so knee-deep in heartbreak she can’t even begin to imagine dating, trying to make her interested in you is only going to lead to disappointment. She’s still in love with that other guy, so let her do her thing for a while. If she becomes interested in you in the future, great, but don’t push the issue. She’s injured. Let her needs come first.

If you haven’t asked her out, do so, but ONLY ask her on a date. I’ve said “I don’t want to date anyone right now” many a time, especially when recovering from a breakup. Some guys prey upon vulnerable girls who are recovering from breakups and the girls who fall victim to this wind up extremely hurt in the end (my mother calls them “the wrong sort,” and though I think she can be a bit hokey, in most cases I think she’s right). What you have to do is prove that you’re not “the wrong sort.” You must prove that you want to date her on a real level.

On another level, if it looks like she’s friend zoning you, you aren’t getting out of it. There’s a reason you were put there. Maybe she views the two of you as incompatible because you smoke weed regularly. Maybe the reason she broke up with her last boyfriend was because she recently discovered she’s a lesbian. Maybe you constantly smell like beer and whiskey and it makes her want to gag. Whatever it is, please, don’t say it’s because you’re “too nice.” If she told you that, she’s full of crap and everyone around her knows it. Trust me, you don’t want to get out of the zone because she’s probably seeing something you’re not.

Question: “So, I talked my boyfriend into a threesome with another guy. Now he’s starting to pay more attention to this guy than he is me – going out on dates with him and the like – and I don’t know what to do. Help?”

I’m going to assume you’re female so as not to confuse other readers, all right?

Whim is helping answer questions from the broken heart. Graphic by Haylie Wise.
Whim is helping answer questions from the broken heart. Graphic by Haylie Wise.

If your boyfriend didn’t identify himself as bi before you had your threesome, he’s likely discovering new aspects of his sexuality. Did you talk your boyfriend into it or did the threesome require “convincing” beforehand? He may have been afraid of things that this threesome has brought to the surface. Only he can tell you whether or not he’s only into men, but it looks like he’s developing feelings for this person. This is likely something you want to talk about. He could be completely homosexual, in which case it’ll be a wrap; however, it’s not your fault because he was likely confused about his sexuality all along and would have eventually come to the conclusion on his own.

Sexuality is fluid. Just because there’s one guy he has feelings for doesn’t mean he’s gay or even bi. He may well be straight-identified after this and that’s really his business, as long as he doesn’t hurt you.

If he did identify as bi, then the topic of feelings was likely brought up before the threesome (or should have been, anyway). Was this guy the first guy he’d ever slept with? That makes this a lot more likely.

Whatever it is, you have to have a conversation about it. Do it as soon as possible. This may mean the end of your relationship, but if it does, the relationship was doomed anyway.

Question: “I’ve known this girl for a while, and I think I’m falling in love with her. Only problem? I’m also a girl, and I don’t know how to broach this question. The last time this happened, the girl wound up being straight and spread rumors about me. Help? (For the record, I’m a lesbian who’s out to family but not public about it.)”

First of all, maybe it’s time to go public. Change your orientation status on Facebook. Come out to your friends. If your family already knows, the worst that can happen is that your friends decide they don’t want to be your friends anymore (which is probably a good thing in the long run, because they weren’t your friends to begin with). They probably already know and won’t be surprised.

Second of all, I’m sorry about what happened with the last girl. Don’t let what one short-sighted girl said to you all those years ago stop you from falling in love and taking a chance with someone else. If this girl is everything you think she is, she won’t outright reject you. Talk to her about it. If you don’t wind up with her, there are other fish in the sea.

Just talk to her about it. It’ll be a lot easier to fix this if both of you know what’s wrong and what to do about it.

Have a good week! I’ll see you in October.