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Memoirs from the front lines of the War on Christmas

Captain’s report: Nov. 30th, 2013. War. War never changes. It’s been five long years since the start of the War on Christmas; Lord Obama says we’ll finish it this year for sure. If it hadn’t been for Fox News¬†catching wind of our plan so early on, we could’ve ended it before anyone knew what hit them. Damn you, Eric Bolling. Damn you to Hell. Obama be praised.

War on Christmas
War never changed. Photo by Julian Guerra.

I’ve lost too many good men in this fight, but they knew what they were getting into when they signed up for this job. It’s all for the greater good. We won’t stop until every holiday carol is politically correct and accepting of people of all religions and all holiday cheer is taxable. Then we can afford welfare so homeless people can buy alcohol and drugs whenever they like. This is what we’re fighting for, and this is why we have to be prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice. Obama be praised.

Some people who aren’t faithful to the cause say that there’s no such thing as a War on Christmas. “It’s all just conservatives whining about having to share their toys,” they say. Those poor souls don’t know the amount of red ink that had to be spilt to replace every occurrence of ‘Merry Christmas’ with ‘Happy Holidays.’ Obama be praised.

Our first major victory came when we managed to get the national Christmas tree renamed as the Holiday Tree. Since then, it’s been loss after devastating loss. We couldn’t get school-led prayer removed from all public schools, we couldn’t get the Ten Commandments removed from all courthouses, and we couldn’t even get kids to stop passing out candy canes because they look like a J for Jesus. The fight isn’t over. We won’t stop until we tax all of the churches to pay for the abortions of all teenage girls and gay marriages so we can effectively destroy the traditional family once and for all. Obama be praised.

To think, the biggest liberal conspiracy since Sandy Hook and the Boston Bombing could have been perfect if only Fox News hadn’t been so observant. Anyone not faithful to the cause would just call them paranoid and moronic, but we know the truth. What they don’t know is that we’re still generously throwing them a bone by not censoring the word ‘holidays’ because it literally derives from ‘holy day.’ That, however, is a battle for another lifetime. Obama be praised.

To my three wives, two husbands, and three aborted children, I don’t know when I’ll be coming home. Lord Obama swears on Stalin that it will be soon. I hope to give you a future where you will never be forced to say a pledge to a nation under God or to have to use currency that says you trust in this God, but until then, happy holidays and Obama be praised.

-Cpt. Julian “Grinch” Guerra; 16th Scrooge Battalion