I’m a meme maker seeking a BFF roommate(s) for life (BFFR4L). Someone more than a nameless face. I barter toilet paper in exchange for hair ties. I’m looking for someone I can share popcorn with and get matching butt tattoos of two dolphins in the shape of a heart. The whole shabingle.
My current BFFR4Ls are graduating or moving in with their boyfriends. Meanwhile, I’m single and my graduation date is . . . flexible. I’m looking for a place to live with rent comparable to Greenhill’s $440 a month (that includes all the toppings and electricity).
Basically, I’ll live anywhere except for Light Side because of police. If your house is amazing or you’re amazing, I don’t care if you’re a Light Sider. I don’t discriminate.
You will find that living with me provides a plethora of benefits such as:
1) Snacks. I like popcorn, ice cream, milkshakes, cake, ice cream, pancakes and ice cream. I buy food at Costco, so use your imagination.
2) Knowledge. There’s free pizza in the Bonnie every Wednesday? (There’s more free food where that came from.) If I were your roommate, you would have known Lot Z was going to flood seven hours before you heard anything from RU. I was waiting for a delivery Calzone that night for three hours and happened to learn of the flood and posted about it on RU Memes. I also never got my calzone.
3) Patience. What’s that, you need three hours to shower? It’s all good; take your time. You need to use the dryer? No problem, I hang most clothes to dry (which simultaneously keeps our electric bill and carbon footprint down).
4) Like any half decent procrastinator, I come equipped with an Xbox 360 and LOTS of games like Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas and Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.
5) You probably like clean roommates. Did I mention I bathe? I bet you bathe. I bet you use soap too. Well guess who overestimated how much soap to buy and bought a forklift load of it at Costco? Me. I hope you’re cool with Dove.
6) Everyone loves to procrastinate, everyone wants a buddy and everyone loves snacks (refer to benefit #1). If you follow my six-step program, you could have EVERYTHING you’ve ever wanted. First, ditch the books. Second, get in my used CRV that has a sunroof (did I mention what a high roller I am?). Three, plug your iPhone into my cassette tape converter because this CRV is from 2006. Let’s be realistic here, PK don’t pay me to make memes. Fourth, pick a good song. I’m not saying I hate country, but eh. Fifth, gaze lovingly at the Cook-Out menu. Stroke it. Sixth, want to go halfsies? I got you. While we’re out, we might as well go by ABC. Bad news, you won’t finish your essay tonight. Good news, I kept the chicken strips in my purse so we’ll have something to snack on at the party.
7) Dog love. No, you don’t understand. I don’t have a dog, but I consider going to the dog park anyways just to pet the puppies/ adult puppies. I will steal your dog.
8) Cats are chill. I feel the same about cats as I do country music: It’s O.K. every once in awhile, but eventually I get sick of pulling cat hair off of my toothbrush. My current flatmate has a cat. It takes massive smelly dumps. I’m not even lying. Normally, I wouldn’t care but 30 minutes and half a bottle of Febreeze later, the smell lingers. When I first moved in, I cut a piece of string for it to play with. I was a fool. Fast-forward to 10 p.m. when it hurls its body against my bedroom door, meowing until I run around with the string for it to chase. I have to flip off the lights and remain as quiet as possible until it’s convinced I’m asleep or it finds a stinkbug to murder. Eventually, my bladder grows weary and I have to go to the bathroom (which is totally normal). What’s not normal is this cat’s fondness of busting into the bathroom and staring at me while I s–t. No, we are not playing the “Surprise B–ch, I’m here” game. No, this is not a good time to rub your belly. Please get off my toothbrush. Cats sleep wherever the f–k they want, which means they’re ready to f–k s–t up 24/7.
9) Improve your self-confidence. My room is a hellhole so, comparatively, you’re doing something right.
10. Live like every day’s a party. I eat cake and ice cream for breakfast. No, I don’t have diabetes. I’m just a girl with realistic dieting goals. Yes, I was a nutrition major. Emphasis on was.
11. Healthy food. Besides the lard, cake, ice cream, chicken strips, milkshakes and pure mayo, I eat mostly plant-based foods (insert edibles joke here). So if you want to get your GRUBB on, hit me up. This is a pun you’ll understand once we’re BFF flatmates for life. Unless you want to go running. I will not run with you.
Could my next roommate possibly be YOU?