Assistant needed: Why you should be the Goose to my Maverick

At college, I have three main jobs. The first is to be the best student I can be and to do well in my classes, so that I can graduate on time and build a great future for myself. I also work at the Starbucks on campus, which is my second job. My third job, which also happens to be my favorite, is working here at Whim as the Campus Life section manager. As incredible and rewarding this position is, I can’t carry the weight of the world on my shoulders; I require someone to be the Mr. Spock to my Capt. Kirk.The first of many reasons that you should consider being my assistant is that you are paid in love, Starbucks and constant compliments. You are great and I will always ensure that you’ll feel like it. No matter how specific your favorite drink, be it black coffee or a triple grande soy vanilla machiatto upside-down and stirred, it will be yours at the commencement of every meeting. Also, although being my Sallah is a volunteer position, it looks fantastic on applications, not to mention the fact that paid positions are often offered to writers and assistants before anyone else.

Also, I greatly need someone to be constantly on call to help me with logging into the WordPress website. The questions used to verify whether or not I’m a human are basic math questions, which occasionally give me anxiety. They’re math questions made out of a combination of letters and numbers and confuse me to the point that I sometimes get them wrong. I’m not working at an online magazine because of my math skills.

“I greatly need someone to be constantly on call to help me.” Photo from: Becca Lynch

Next semester, I will have my adorable lab-chow mix, Midna, living with me. This means that, if requested, I can bring her to our meetings. Her presence will help your brain release the chemicals necessary to help you de-stress and become more relaxed. This is very important, especially if you would like to side step that stress-induced heart attack at the age of 40.

The most significant reason for why you should consider becoming my assistant is this: I provide much-needed humor in this stressful time of your life called college.  All of your worries will disappear after spending five minutes listening to one of my “pun-versations.”

In closing, I assure you that I’ll train you to the best of my ability (much akin to the training that Obi-wan offered Anakin). I can assure you, though, if you turn out crazy, I’ll still call you Superman — instead of leaving you to become Darth Vader after our epic lightsaber duel.


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