The Story

“New Moon” begins when Bella Swan, who’s played by that girl who looks like a guy in “Panic Room”, has a dream about being old. Because that’s what girls dream about before they’ve met me. Anyway, she has a birthday party, which is attended by a bunch of vampires, including Hot Vampire, Hippy Vampire, Milf Vampire and Nautica Model Vampire. She gets cut, because apparently paper has the same affect as a razor blade, and this dude, let’s just call him Serial Killer Vampire, tries to eat her. Then Edward, deciding that Bella isn’t safe around them and is better off to fend for herself against the Semi-Hot Vampire who had her man killed in the first one, and who, for some reason, they forgot about.

Then some things happen, but I was too busy playing Texas Hold ‘Em on my cell phone to figure out what, but I will say that every time I looked up Bella was crying, so maybe she was watching “Bambi” or something. I think there was something with them at a movie, which is one of those weird paradox things, you know, we’re watching you watch a movie. Kind of like how Stephen Colbert has all those pictures of himself looking at himself, except not as cool.

Oh, and there’s something about vampires and werewolves hating each other and fighting all the time. I personally don’t understand why the vampires have such a tough time with this. I mean, if I were a vampire fighting werewolves, I would just, like, feed them some chocolate or something. That’ll take care of them.

Anyway, Bella reunites with Adam Lambert Werewolf, who, since the previous movie has decided to hit the gym, cut his hair, wax his eyebrows and start running around with his shirt off, and all the while hanging out with other guys with their shirts off. You know, manly, straight guy stuff. Suddenly, Bella decides she loves Adam Lambert Werewolf and has to reassess her feelings for Edward, whose name I can remember because it’s my dad’s. Thus, “New Moon” teaches young ladies one of many valuable lessons:

-If a guy is average looking, don’t give him a second glance.
-If a guy suddenly gets hot, cocky, and starts running around with his shirt off, by all means, fall in love with him.

So Adam Lambert Werewolf and his other werewolf buddies start protecting Bella from Semi-Hot Vampire and Token Black Vampire and doesn’t spend much time with her, because, you know he’s trying to save her f*cking life. Nonetheless, she gets bored and decides to jump off a cliff. Which is exactly what I do when I get bored. In Grand Theft Auto IV. And it usually involves jumping out of a helicopter and seeing which buildings I can splatter my virtual body on. And drunken laughter. Straight guy stuff.

Edward, thinking Bella is dead, because he’s too lazy to, you know, investigate the apparent death of someone he’s supposed to love, and because he figures that no girl could possibly go on living without him, decides to go to Italy and visit some Da Vinci Code Vampires, who have like magic powers or something. They’re basically like the dons of the vampire mafia. He asks the Da Vinci Code Vampires to kill him, but they don’t, since Bella and Hippy Vampire make it there in time to stop him.

Blah blah blah, Edward and Bella get back together, providing yet another valuable lesson for you impressionable teenage girls out there:

-If a guy dumps you, and then you find another guy who treats you better, but your ex suddenly wants you back (for some reason, hmm…), then take him back! Everyone wins! Except for that better guy. But hey, screw him and his chivalry! I have a few ex-girlfriends who are obviously Twilight fans.

Critique

Now that you know what happens, here’s my take: F*ck you, “New Moon”.

I won’t try to hide the fact that I genuinely enjoyed the first “Twilight” movie, but that’s because it looked to be aiming for a broader audience, seemingly trying to reach a demographic that didn’t just include shallow teenage girls. “New Moon” on the other hand gives into the “Twilight” stereotype so much that it ends up as an extended Hollister commercial that you, if you don’t have a vagina and braces, will find cringe-worthy. The movie promotes fighting over guys, both of which can kill you, while whining about not being able to make up your mind. Hell, if I were Edward or Adam Lambert Werewolf, I would’ve just said, “Dude, screw this chick, let’s just go hit the bar.” Of course, that would imply that Taylor Lautner, who is SEVEN-F*CKING-TEEN, would actually have a shirt and shoes on.

When I say this, I’m being dead serious: “New Moon” sends all the wrong messages to young girls who will inevitably try to imitate it, creating a generation of girls with false ideas that will end up manipulated by genuinely bad people who will take advantage of their gullibility. Okay, back to being funny.

All in all, “New Moon” seems like the epitome of Stephanie Meyer’s erotic fantasy that she’s disguised as a book for teenage girls. Think I’m wrong? Okay, then why is Edward 17 instead of 18? There are 18-year-olds in high school, so it wouldn’t be a big deal. But no. Instead, “New Moon” is essentially just Stephanie Meyer’s cougar pedophilia fantasies justified by making the object of her affection (and naughty dreams) an immortal.

I could be wrong. But I like that explanation the best.

Cover and story photo from Creative Commons