I want you, but I don’t.
The pain in my chest is weakening.
How did this happen? I need a drink.
Where did the past two years go?
I was so sure of myself and I thought I understood my emotions.
Why oh why am I suddenly feeling this way.
I didn’t want you, threw you out, and not in the best way.
In fact, I was relieved to be free of you. I was young and free.
The last thing I wanted was you.
But suddenly, it has become apparent that you were there all along.
You were always with me. In the back of my mind,
I knew you always loved me, and I needed that.
Why did I hurt you? You were always so nice.
I used to think that I was better than you, you told me I was a couple of times,
But now I see, the one that was mistaken was me, for you are far greater.
Your beauty as a person shines bright and attracts people towards you.
My mother said you wouldn’t be single for too long,
I guess this was just something else she was right on.
I feel raw and wounded.
I feel like a fool.
Why did you let me push you away?
If you loved me the way you said you did, why did you just let me walk away?
Sometimes, I think it’s because you thought I deserved someone different,
Someone greater, but other times,
I fear it’s because you gave up on me, on us.
I’m sorry I was difficult, rude, young, immature, nasty, selfish and proud.
I’m happy for you in all that you do. I see that you are whole with her.
I’m sorry I couldn’t give you that.
My world was small then, and I didn’t understand love,
maybe I still don’t, but I have learned that when you love someone, you want what is best for them.
She is better for you; I’m still searching for my horizon.
Cover graphic by Kasey Sutphin