Tag Archives: humor

Florida Man Found in Possession of 31 Stolen Shopping Carts

This week in Palm Bay, Florida, police responded to a domestic disturbance in the home of Jake Meyers. Several concerned neighbors called to report a possible fight between Meyers and his girlfriend, Melissa Davison. When officers arrived on scene they found the cause of the argument to be Meyers’ collection of stolen shopping carts. “The entire living room was filled with shopping carts,” said Officer Joan Martinez in her official report. “There were carts from all sorts of major department stores; there was barely room to walk.” Davison wasted no time informing Officer Martinez that Meyers had been stealing shopping carts for years, slowly filling their home with carts from across the city. “He’s a hoarder! I’ve been asking him for years to get rid of them all, but he just kept stealing more!” Davison said. “If this is the only way to make it stop then so be it!”

It took police three hours to empty the house of shopping carts, which have since been returned to their rightful owners. Marvin Greene, owner of the local Walmart, says he’d “known that the carts were being stolen, but [he’d] never imagined it was all one guy.” In the aftermath of the raid, there were 11 Walmart carts, 9 Target carts, 6 Winn Dixie carts, and 5 from various local grocers. One of Meyer’s neighbors, who wished to remain anonymous, said that Meyers “was a very nice young man. I never would have suspected him of filling his house with shopping carts. These days you just never know.” Meyers is being charged with 31 counts of petty theft and a fine of up to $25,000. Meyers declined to comment but has entered a plea of not guilty and is now awaiting trial.

A Brown Thumb

All the grass around me dies,

For two miles as the crow flies.

And you should never think to doubt

That the seeds I plant will die as they sprout.

It’s been years since I saw a flower bloom;

When they meet me they meet their doom.

And you will not see a living tree

Within fifteen miles of me.

I don’t know why, just that I can’t

Prevent the death of any plant.

In fact, I kill them with greater ease

Than any insect, animal, vine, or disease.

At first, I thought it might be something in the dirt,

But I now know it’s me who causes their hurt.

I once hoped bad water might be the cause,

But truthfully the fault lies in my own flaws.

I cannot keep a plant alive,

No matter what amenities I contrive.

A good life I cannot provide,

For a potted plant kept inside.

And outside there is only death,

For any plant the feels my breath.

Not even a cactus will manage to thrive,

Not so long as I survive.

I may never see a flower bud,

For every seed I plant becomes a dud.

I’ve now given up on growing a garden,

And soon I think the ground will harden.

I know now that I’d have to be dumb,

Not to realize that I have a brown thumb.

The First Week of November

The phony cobwebs are swept away,

But the carved pumpkins have yet to rot

And still sit on the steps in front of many houses.

The leftover candy, marked down after Halloween,

Has been cleared from the stores,

Their festive designs gone for another year,

But the children who spent their night walking

From door to door now have their own hoards

And like dragons they stand guard over their goodies

Waiting for their parents to turn their backs,

So that they can grab another piece of chocolate,

And keep their sugar high going strong.

 

Meanwhile, families make plans for Thanksgiving,

Searching for recipes to flaunt in front of friends and families,

Or thinking up excuses to avoid visiting in-laws.

There are still pumpkin spice variations of every product that could manage it,

Including those that should never have tried such a crossover.

The trees are still mostly covered in red and gold,

Though more leaves fall with every breeze,

And the ground is in desperate need of a rake.

Football season is in full swing,

And every sports bar is playing at least three games on any given night.

Charlie Brown will be making his way onto the small screen once again,

Forever famous for falling while trying to kick a ball.

 

Fall is heavy in the air.

Halloween has barely faded,

And Thanksgiving looms on the horizon.

And yet as I listen to the radio I can already hear them,

Christmas carols, playing through the first week of November.

Watch Out for the Apple Watch

The year 2015 already promises to be one for the ages – speaking of ages, who hasn’t grown up laboriously asking themselves the “age-old” question, “when will someone invent a device that not only keeps me on schedule every day, but also keeps me in touch with everyone I know 24/7, and keeps my life going in the right direction at all times?” I know I have, but in just five short months, it appears that this will no longer be the reality we all live in. Apple has promised to release the remedy for our deepest desires come 2015. They call it: The Apple Watch.

It's the future! Graphic from The Escapist magazine
It’s the future! Graphic from The Escapist magazine

The Apple Watch will possess the same appearance of a traditional watch, but it also promises to be “so much more.” With more than a million different faces to choose from, Apple Watch takes customizing to an unprecedented level. It will look how you want it, when you want it, and even how you feel you want it. Distance, inconvenience, and wasted time will no longer be relevant with Apple Watch. Its abilities include: subtlety perception, physical touch simulation, emotion detection, automatic time-zone updates, and, most importantly, the ability to never let its users waste another second of their time.

Whether you’re eating, running, or sleeping you’ll have a companion with Apple Watch. If you find yourself stumbling over your words in a conversation, or simply do not have time to type or say them, Apple Watch enables you to artistically express yourself with a few swipes of a finger. It will even learn what you’re thinking. If you’ve been trying to get into that healthy exercise routine, but can’t seem to sustain motivation, Apple’s got your back! It knows your capabilities, and desires. It knows your fears and your frustrations. When your encouragement level is running low, Apple is there by your side.

So if you’ve been longing for something to perform the mundane tasks of your everyday routine, to fulfill your desires for a hassel-free life, and to keep you going in the right direction all day every day, the wait is coming to a close! In 2015 comes the Apple Watch.

 

 

Bad Date Brad: Part two

“So,” he said with a smirk, “What do you want to know about me?” I was completely taken aback. How do you answer a question like that? I wanted to say, “Nothing, thanks for the coffee, bye.”

I realized my mouth had been hanging open for nearly a minute. I had to think of something to say before he took my stunned silence as flattery.

Graphic by Katie Gibson.
Graphic by Katie Gibson.

“Oh,uh, I don’t know. Tell me something interesting about yourself,” I said.

He took a large breath as if he were about to recite a speech and replied, Continue reading Bad Date Brad: Part two

Bad Date Brad: A short story

Hello there, Whim readers! This week I promised my editor that I’d write some interesting prose for you. I searched through tons of writers journals and files to find just the right fit. So this week enjoy reading the story of a girl whose name I’ll keep anonymous, and her horrible date with a guy who we’ll call “Brad”. My, I mean, HER misery is your entertainment. Continue reading Bad Date Brad: A short story