Tag Archives: relationships

Dealing with Long Distance Relationships

Coming to college can be hard in many ways. However, leaving your significant other for the college life can be one of the hardest. My fiancé is in the military and overseas, so I have become the expert on how to handle flying solo at school. Just follow these steps to make it a little less difficult.

  • FaceTime every day. Seeing and hearing your loved one will help you cope with the stress of classes and the craziness of college life. Make sure you plan special movie nights where you FaceTime and watch a movie on Netflix at the same time. This will ease the awkwardness that silence over FaceTime has that being face to face does not. Either make sure it is a movie both of you like, or take turns showing each other your faves.

    holding hands
    “My fiancé and I are currently planning our wedding, and the thought of having something big coming up helps us through all the hard times.” Photo from: http://www.confettidaydreams.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Pearls-and-Lace-Pink-Love-Birds-Wedding-Langkloof-Roses-15.jpg
  • Surround yourself with a support system at school. Hanging up with my fiancé is the hardest. Luckily, I have the best friends ever, and they distract me from the feeling lonely blues.
  • Plan those trips to see one another. I have the best time planning everything we are going to do when my SO comes home. All the restaurants we’re going to go to and movies we’re going to see. All the time we will be able to spend together. It makes you look forward to something together, and as time goes on, you know that there will be an end to being apart.
  • Plan for the future. My fiancé and I are currently planning our wedding, and the thought of having something big coming up helps us through all the hard times. It doesn’t just have to be something like that. Plan a vacation together or talk about what you want out of the future. It will give you something to talk about when nothing really exciting happened during your day.
  • Never give up. No matter how hard it gets, know that you are not the only one going through this. It is important to never give up because your SO is counting on you. Know that after all this rain, there is a rainbow.

Hazel Eyes

The touch, the feel,

The heat, the sweat.

A hand running along the hip,

Feeling of rose petal lips against the heart.

 

Dark, spiraled hair of ebony,

The golden-green hazel eyes framed so well.

The soft, pale pink lips,

Often mistaken for a cloud.

hazel-eyes
“Those hazel eyes see horror and pain.” Photo from: www.muscledudelife.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

Those hazel eyes see horror and pain.

Her pale lips are lowered.

These curls hide the face of a girl.

 

Those who passed her over,

Who didn’t bother to look beyond her skin,

Far too self-centered to see the damage,

Unable to see the women she would become.

“How Will You Get to Know Someone If You’re Not Allowed to Date?”

If I were to charge $10 for each time somebody asked me that question, you’d probably see me featured under a headline that reads Success Stories of the Century. I always wonder to myself– how can you NOT get to know someone without dating them? Is it really that complicated?

What is dating? And why do I even speak of it as a Muslim woman?

If you lack the company of diverse friends in your life, you probably also paint arranged marriages badly and see me as the least credible to speak on this matter. But, yes, a percent of us does look further than the whole arranged situation; though nothing is wrong with that.

Religion may have nothing to do with you receiving this question, no; you’re probably just not into the whole dating scene. Or maybe you did try to date in the past, and you’re too hesitant to put in that kind of time and energy figuring the person out only to call it off for not working out.

friends
“There are so many ways to get to know somebody without actually dating them.”

Caroline Zelonka, a freelance writer, exemplifies this best:

I met most of my partners at work. Typically, the relationship would start as a work friendship, segue into a platonic out-of-work friendship, then blossom into a romantic attraction.

It’s really an ideal way to start things. In my opinion, one often shows their best self at work. Your brains and resourcefulness take the lead. I suppose your physical attributes are also showing, but I have had much better results when I had a chance to “wow” the guy with my personality rather than rely on my looks or charm in the artificial situation of a date.

Being “friend-zoned” isn’t always a bad thing, nor do I think it’s even real to be completely honest with you. There are so many ways to get to know somebody without actually dating them, and my favorite approach would be friendship. I feel like relationships which begin on the basis of that sort of understanding—as friends have it—last longer compared to those that jump straight into one . . . but that’s just my opinion.

The Importance of Remembering Your Worth

Whether you’re single or in a relationship, one important thing you always need to remember is how much you’re worth.  No one should ever have to settle for somebody else and no one should have to stoop down to someone else’s level to have a relationship with them.

That may sound harsh but from past experiences I have always settled and let my significant other or not so significant other push me around, and when I wasn’t doing something the way they wanted I felt bad about it.  When single, it’s hard to tell if people really mean what they say to you. Someone could say one thing and have a totally different idea in their head.

Don't let anyone look down on you. Graphic from Frame Pool
Don’t let anyone look down on you. Graphic from Frame Pool

I have come to the conclusion and closure that if someone really wants to be with me, they will find a way and make that happen. Certain people will try to say they are too busy during the week to do anything other than their schoolwork or jobs; that is most likely not the truth.  If they want to spend time with you they will make time to do it and it won’t be that hard or complicated.

So, until I have a stable job that I enjoy going to every day and I move away to where I want to live my life, I am done with the dating world.  It’s easier for me to now focus on only my academics, sports, extracurriculars, and jobs.  I don’t think twice about what someone said to me over the weekend and if they really meant it or  not and I’m much less stressed and much more confident.

I’m saying goodbye to the overthinking, one-sided efforts to try to make it work, and putting the other person before myself and all of my things I should really be focusing on.  I’m deciding to finally put myself first and stay on the right track with my schoolwork, and with graduation coming up in a year, job searching. Never forget your self worth and never settle for any less than you deserve because you will only regret it and want to refocus your efforts on what is most important to you and beneficial for you.

How to grow from temporary people and situations

Being a college-aged human can be really difficult. College is a time when people, places and things are very temporary. Whether you find yourself having temporary friends or in a temporary romantic relationship, it can be very discouraging when someone who you’d like as a permanent fixture in your life turns out to just be a tumbleweed passing through life.

Losing friends or a romantic interest is never easy. When you invest your time and emotions in someone or something it can be very discouraging.

However, college students especially need to accept these people and things as part of the experience. As a graduating senior, I can tell you that there are going to be countless people who come in and out of your life in your college years. As much as it sucks to have so many things come and go so quickly, there is a very spiritual lesson to be learned.

When I was a freshman, I couldn’t imagine my life without my best friend, who was also my suite mate. We were incredibly close and I had never connected with someone on such a deep level so quickly. However, by the end of the school year we were out of each others lives.

Even though it hurt to lose someone I had become so close to, there were so many things I got to experience that I would never have even attempted had it not been for my friendship with her.

pedestal
“Don’t be afraid to get attached to people.”

Dating in college is a drag in itself. Some couples tough it out and wind up lasting forever, but for the most part, college relationships wind up being short flings. Oftentimes, I’ve been blindsided by someone I had genuine interest in when they expressed that they weren’t as invested as I was. It can be infuriating but looking at the positives is essential to healing and growing.

For example, one of my college boyfriends dumped me last year. We had been together for a while and when we broke up I was devastated. I felt like I had this vision of what we could’ve been and I saw us being together for a while. However, he had different feelings.

Looking back almost a year after we broke up, I smile seeing how that relationship shaped me. I’m proud of the person I’ve become because of the experiences I shared with him. Because of him, I got to travel around the east coast and experiences places I’ve never even dreamed of. I also got to experience Colorado, a cornerstone moment in my life which helped me decide where I want to be when I graduate.

The great Buddha once said, “the root of suffering is attachment.” While this is true, don’t be afraid to get attached to people. Experience life in its fullest form, including all of its many disappointments. Just because someone is temporary doesn’t mean they can’t bring permanent fixtures such as new tastes in music, culture or even new foods that you never would’ve tried before. Take each disappointing person and situation and use it to fertilize your growth.

Why traditional Christian roles have no place in modern marriages

I grew up attending church on a semi-regular basis. Although my mom wanted us all to believe in Jesus and be active members in the church, there was never a whole lot of pressure on us to live a “Godly” life. My parents were, and are, a pretty progressive couple when you look at the households they grew up in: both my parents had stay-at-home mothers who adored their husbands and took a traditional motherly role.

Although for a large part of my childhood my mom was a stay-at-home mom, she had several jobs that I can recall. My parents were never the same as their parents were. Although my dad was in the Air Force and my mom spent her time with me and my two siblings, my parents were always a team. When one of us kids got in trouble while my dad was at work, my mom would of course fill my dad in when he arrived home, but they always made decisions on how to punish us together.

Even in 2016, however, there are families who choose to raise their kids in traditional, Christian households. Recently, I saw a diagram showing three umbrellas over top of one another, each one getting progressively smaller than the one above it. The first and biggest umbrella said, “Jesus” on it. The middle umbrella says, “husband” and the things he covers include “spiritually leading the household,” “provide for the family,” and “love wife like Christ loves the church.”

Meanwhile, under the smallest umbrella entitled, “wife” her duties are listed as being “a helper to her husband,” “raise Godly children,” and “submit to husband’s authority.” The bottom of the photo entitles the entire diagram as, “natural order of the family.”

jesusbull

To begin with what I find so troubling with this diagram, I’ll start with the title of the diagram, “natural order of the family.” For one, I view religion in itself as unnatural. Sure, we as humans may have had a natural need to explain things around us with stories of a supernatural being, but that was before science.

Science, as a natural law, tells us that the earth wasn’t molded from clay by an all-powerful being. We weren’t put on this earth 6,000 years ago as many evangelicals like to think. It’s also not natural to view one being as more or less than another simple because of sex and societal expectations of what a woman and a man’s roles are.

The next and probably most personally troubling issue I find with this diagram is the fact the woman is to be “submissive” to her husband. This may have made sense in biblical times, but in 2016 there is no reason to adhere to this traditional societal expectation. Women are now taking on the role of being the head of the household and being the breadwinners, while more husbands are taking on the role of stay-at-home dads. The wife, according to this diagram, is supposed to “raise godly children.” This is putting pressure on the wife to bear her husband’s children, which therefore puts pressure on the husband to create little god-soldiers.

Again, in 2016 there is no need to reproduce. Expectations and pressures towards couples to have children are unnecessary and the idea of not having children is becoming less taboo. As a matter of fact, in my experiences, pressuring one to have children is more taboo than not having children at all.

The expectation of the father to be a provider and leader of the family is simply primitive. As I said before, women are taking on the role of the “head of the household” more often than ever. To expect the husband to take on the role of leader of the household is just as anti-feminist as telling the wife she must be submissive.

What if all a man ever wanted to do was be a stay-at-home dad? According to this diagram, he would be considered a failure if he wasn’t the main “breadwinner.”

wedding
“Once she’s married, she becomes the “property” of her husband.”

Overall, as someone who identifies as agnostic, I feel that running a household based on scripture can be a very toxic thing. While some may find comfort in it and feel that they’re doing the right thing, I believe that the idea that one person in the marriage holds more power than the other can attribute to domestic violence and emotional abuse.

The bible pushes this family structure because overall, women aren’t very valued in Christianity. One can trace back to Genesis where it’s believed that man was made by God, and women were simply made of mans rib. In other areas of the bible, women are often outcast and disrespected to the point of violence.

Deuteronomy 22:28 states that if an unmarried virgin woman is raped and the rapist is caught, it’s not the rape victim’s loss, it’s the father’s. The bible, specifically the Old Testament, view women as property: before the woman is married, she’s the property of her father. Once she’s married, she becomes the property of her husband. In the case of rape, the rapist is, in a sense, defiling the property of another man and therefore “pays” by remaining married to the woman, giving her a “purpose.”

This information from the bible is the basic roots for the toxic ideology that a woman is somehow beneath her husband, and that by being “above him” it would be the same as the man being “owned” by his own property.

Being a Christian is by no means “wrong,” however, I believe it’s important we look at the consequences, side-effects, and root causes of the basic beliefs of Christianity in regards to the “order” of marriage. Many times what seems to be an innocent practice of belief has a sinister heritage when examined closely and from a progressive standpoint.

What do you do when the person you love breaks up with you and then wants to get back together?

What do you do when the person you love breaks up with you and then wants to get back together? Two very close friends of mine started dating senior year of high school. They were friends for a while before they took their relationship to the next level. I would say that they fell in love. They were basically the same person but in different gendered bodies. They were both hippies, had the same political views, same interests, and were both very free spirited. The problem came when, let’s say Fred, started realizing he didn’t really know who he was as a person. He started questioning everything he knew and everything he was, whether it came to sexuality or what all of his feelings meant in general. He lost sight of why he fell in love with, let’s say Velma, and started becoming very depressed. Long story short, Fred broke up with Velma, leaving Velma very confused and heart broken.

Does Fred deserve a second chance? Photo from youtube
Does Fred deserve a second chance? Photo from youtube.com

I think, in this situation, it all comes down to bad timing. In high school, everything is confusing and nothing make sense. It’s a time for discovering who you are, what you like and dislike, and what you look for in another person. Fred had no idea what he wanted and didn’t want to lead Velma on if she wasn’t it. Velma was very confused and just wanted to talk it out with Fred, but Fred just couldn’t do it. He wanted to be alone, to have time to think about everything he’s been questioning. After some time, Fred and Velma started talking again and started being friend.

Six months later, Fred realized that the thought of Velma being with someone else made him sick. He wanted to give their relationship another chance and be with Velma again. Velma, of course, agreed because she loves him and has always wanted to be with him. They were highschool sweethearts, so to speak. Would have you done the same? I know I would have, and I did. No one can say truly say they would have done this or that differently because when it comes to love, no one can honestly decide what best. Love overtakes all the senses and makes us crazy. I believe they should give it a shot because taking risks is what creates the most amazing outcomes. Life is too short to give up people who deserve second chances.

Nice guys don’t always finish last

You’ve heard of the expression “nice guys finish last.” And if you’re a guy, you may feel that term to be true. “Bad boys” are exciting, right? Being treated like garbage, ignored, but still able to go out to parties and be seen with the most mysterious hot guy there? It’s thrilling to have your heart torn into pieces and thrown into the fire. Right? Wrong.

Forget that overused, utterly long, unfortunate phrase. A new study by scientists for the University of Worcester and the University of Sunderland, both in the United Kingdom, discovered that men who are attentive to the happiness and prosperity of others rather than themselves may be more attractive to women in comparison to men who are just good-looking.

Image from parentmap.com
Selfless men are seen as more desirable, if women want a long term relationship. Image from parentmap.com

Altruism is the term for when someone acts in a way that is beneficial to others and not themselves. In the new study, the researchers analyzed what happened when two desirable characteristics, physical attractiveness and altruism, were investigated together, and whether women preferred one quality over the other.

In the study, 202 women were shown pictures of 24 men of varying degrees of attractiveness. Alongside the photos were descriptions of the men doing something like saving a child from a river or buying coffee for a homeless person. Other photos were accompanied with rude or unappealing situations, such as the man refusing to help in either of the previous scenarios.

The researchers found that being selfless gave men a better chance with a woman if she was looking for something long term.

In contrast, the new study found that selfish men were seen as more desirable among women who were looking for a fling. Farrelly said he found this result interesting, and he said one possible explanation is that it relates to other characteristics that women prefer in short-term partners. For instance, it might be that if a woman is looking for something short term, her choice of a partner might be one with less socially desirable traits such as narcissism, the researchers said.

If you want a fling, continue on your “bad boy” path, if you’re looking for something a little more serious, try finding someone who thinks of others than themselves..

Calling it quits

It’s no secret that Hollywood seems to be the spot where on screen romances are born and real-life love stories go to die. From Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston to Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds, seemingly perfect relationships are crashing and burning all the time.

A few days ago, “The Big Bang Theory’s Kaley Cuoco and her tennis star husband, Ryan Sweeting added their names to the ever growing list of failed celebrity marriages. While sources have claimed that the couple had been unhappy for a while, most information regarding the divorce is being kept under wraps with both Cuoco and Sweeting asking for privacy.

This news has left one burning question on many people’s minds: what goes so horribly wrong in celebrity marriages?

While examining her failed marriage with fellow actor, Ryan Reynolds, Scarlett Johansson explained to Parade magazine, “Acting is a very strange world to be co-existing in. It’s very volatile. There’s always going to be the more successful person. It’s related to rejection. Because actors, if they’re not having success, connect it directly to unpopularity — to the fact that nobody wants them. It’s not necessarily true. I’m constantly rejected.” Johansson when on to say that she found true happiness with her new husband, a journalist, because they are both in very different fields which takes away the competition and by extension the resentment and jealousy.

Kaley Cuoco and Ryan Sweeting before they called it quits. Graphic from People
Kaley Cuoco and Ryan Sweeting before they called it quits. Graphic from People

Psychotherapist M. Gary Newman has another perspective. In his article, “Why Do Celeb Marriages fail?” Newman referred to some research he had conducted earlier on women’s happiness in their marriages. He explained that he had discovered that “Women who were happily married reported spending a daily average of over 30 minutes of uninterrupted time talking to their husbands. Unhappy women reported a daily average of less than 30 minutes, and 24 percent of those unhappy reported that they spent less than five minutes a day talking to their spouses.”

Of course, being married to celebrity practically guarantees that little time will be shared solely among spouses. Newman also suggests that the personal fulfillment that fame brings alleviates the need for couples to care for each other because they can create their own happiness by themselves:

“The individuals no longer truly need the other to live happily. Instead, they just like being together. Yet a couple needs to feel that life without the other is quite impossible. If a spouse does not feel a need to have the other in his or her life on a daily basis, that is a short step away from separation.”

Of course, while Johansson and Newman’s theories hold a lot of weight, there are also more obvious reasons for divorce such as cheating. High profile cheating scandals such as Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt’s back in 2005 and more recently, golf legend, Tiger Woods’ are usually what the public jump straight to when word of a new celebrity divorce surfaces. For Aniston and Pitt, their relationship ended when Pitt cheated on Aniston with his “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” co-star, Angelina Jolie.

While rumors swirled about Aniston and Jolie’s rivalry due to Pitt’s infidelity back in the day, recently Aniston has spoken out saying, “Nobody did anything wrong. You know what I mean? It was just like, sometimes things [happen]. If the world only could just stop with the stupid, soap-opera bulls–t. There’s no story. I mean, at this point it’s starting to become—please, give more credit to these human beings.”

There are so many reasons why a marriage can fail- add adoring fans, crazy work schedules, and insane amounts of money and these reasons seem even more evident. Hopefully as Kaley Cuoco and Ryan Sweeting move forward with their divorce, they find the closure that so many of their fellow stars have found.

3 simple rules for thriving in a relationship with an ambivert

Ambiverts are a strange bunch. We may spend one weekend out, surrounded by friends, and the next in a hobbit-hole far  from  human contact.

Being an ambivert means living with the constant battle between being a social butterfly and crawling under a rock to be  alone with our thoughts. We contain both the traits of an introvert and an extrovert.

Being an ambivert has both positive and negative sides. However, living with an ambivert can be extremely difficult as we lack complete consistency in our daily personality. There are three simple things to consider when dating or befriending an introvert.

  1. Don’t take what we say or do personally

The social butterfly who was taking shots and dancing on tables last weekend may not be there this weekend, but don’t feel that it’s because you did anything wrong. Ambiverts go through completely inconsistent phases of wanting to be social and wanting to be alone. Because of this, we may come off as moody and antisocial, although we were previously talkative and wanted to be surrounded by people.

If you’re friends with or dating an ambivert, it’s incredibly important not to take our mixed signals personally. We may have issues communicating our feelings and come off as harsh. In my experience of dating a fellow ambivert, I’ve had to learn not to be insulted when he comes home mentally exhausted after work. Ambiverts may want to be left alone after a long day of class or work. It’s not because we are annoyed by your presence; we simply need time to decompress and recover from the exhausting task of being a people-person all day.

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“If you’re friends with or dating an ambivert, it’s incredibly important not to take our mixed signals personally.” Photo by: Caroline Leggett

 

  1. Give us space

Living in small quarters with an ambivert probably isn’t a great idea. When I lived in an apartment where I was often forced to speak to my roommate the moment I walked through the door, I had a difficult time being friendly.

Ambiverts exert a lot of energy into their daily business, whether that be work or school. Although being around people feels natural and comfortable, we may find ourselves more exhausted than we planned  after prolonged social interactions. Because of this, we need our own personal space. I’ve found that my room is my space  to decompress when I get home. Others may choose to take a shower or work quietly in their office in order to recover from the day’s events. If we ask for our space, again, don’t take it personally.

  1. Don’t advertise the relationship

Whether you’re dealing with a romantic partner who’s an ambivert or a best friend, we tend to be embarrassed by too much PDA. We may partake in some PDA, but don’t be insulted when we don’t want to hold hands or make our relationship “Facebook official.”

The reason ambiverts don’t like PDA is because we don’t like the assumptions and questions from outsiders. We want things to be simple and not have others butting into our business.

Having a relationship or friendship with an ambivert may not be the easiest thing, but a relationship with us is likely more personal and one-on-one. We believe that extroverted relationships begin to involve others and can complicate things. We prefer to keep things low-key — not because we’re embarrassed, but because we would rather have a close, meaningful and private relationship with those we choose to associate with.

Not all marriages are Christian

In the debate over whether or not gay marriage should be legal, I’ve often seen Christian right-wingers cry that marriage is a religious act. Although many marriage ceremonies involve religious text or traditions, marriage didn’t form from Christianity by any means.

There’s plenty of archaeological evidence of ancient marriages. Marriages were once considered a contract between two families. Fathers would often marry their daughters off to someone whose family was deemed valuable or powerful. The families would enter a sort of alliance, wherein the families would support each other. Women in the ancient world were often considered property and their importance was found in the title of being someone’s “wife.” Women were considered vessels in which men would grow their offspring and spread their genes, therefore spreading the family’s “empire.”

In ancient times, men would often have multiple wives to produce more children and make the family more powerful. Polygamy also served the purpose of fulfilling duties. For example, polygamous families who lived on farms never had a shortage of hands to get work done quickly and efficiently. In ancient Greece, wives were meant to be baby-making machines and housekeepers. Men in Greece were often expected to have sex with courtesans for pleasure; the wives were simply child-bearers and kept the house clean and safe.

Wives weren’t for emotional support. Ironically, in those times, the most ideal situation was for people to marry someone of the same sex. The most elite members of society who had no need to reproduce, or could afford servants to keep up with the housework, often married someone of the same sex. It was understood that people of the same sex could understand each other’s emotions and provide support.

Early Christians believed that celibacy was the most ideal thing for a person to commit to. Marriage only became acceptable because its purpose was procreation. Early Christians believed that sex was evil, but was tolerated for married couples who wished to spread their genes. Thus came the idea of abstinence before marriage.

Only in recent centuries did it become ideal for people to marry someone because they were in love. Marriage has become a symbol of great affection between two people. Married couples often support each other emotionally and financially. To think that marriage is only for procreating and that men and women have specific roles is sort of barbaric. Humans are much more advanced than that these days.

In Franklin County, Virginia, an atheist couple who wanted to get married in the courthouse were turned away by one judge-appointed officiant. The judge agreed with the officiant, and sent the couple to a different officiant. The new officiant agreed to marry the couple. Although the problem was easily solved, it just goes to show that religious discrimination of married couples still exists.

Marriage is a legal right of everyone, and the fact the officiant turned the couple away because of religious bigotry should have been enough to get him fired. He’s a public servant, which means he should serve every member of the public and leave his personal beliefs at home.

Christians who want to claim that marriage is specifically a religious act need to crawl out of the rock they’ve been living under. Many couples choose not to have children, or simply can’t have children. Many Christians may argue that marriage is for procreating, but with the world quickly running out of resources and facing overpopulation, it’s a good thing that marriage is evolving out of the old idea that it’s meant for making babies.

Couples in the United States are embracing the idea of religious-less marriage ceremonies– and instead focusing on the love they have for one another. If they choose to turn that love into a human being, that’s ultimately their choice.

Get outta my face!

Some ask themselves whether having another person around is worth it or not. Is the other doing more harm than good in their life? Well, if you’re blaming your boyfriend for you not turning in your project on time, maybe take a look in the mirror. Ultimately, we are all responsible for our own actions.

pushing
“Some ask themselves whether having another person around is worth it or not.”

If you are keeping someone around that you always want to be interacting with, that can become a truly distracting presence for you. That can prevent you from being focused on your important responsibilities. It is your decision to keep being around another person or not. No matter what you think, the choice is always yours.

There is no reason to yell at your girlfriend for sitting in the same room and chatting with you when you are trying to write a paper that is due in ten minutes. What you should do is tell them that you have work to get done. Then, if need be, you can move to another location, free of chatter!

When a relationship is taking over your life, to the point where you can’t seem to get anything done for yourself, then maybe reassess the relationship. It doesn’t do anyone any good when you are always upset at your significant other. Also, if they care about you, and you feel that you need to end a relationship, because it is helping more than hurting, do it. Loving someone should also mean that they will understand where you are coming from and respect your choice, even if it hurts their feelings.

Something else that should be taken into account: If you are not distracted from your work by your significant other, are you taken out of other relationships due to them? If so, that can also hurt you in the long run. For instance, if your girl/boyfriend keeps you away from your friends and close loved ones most of the time, that is very unhealthy. Having balance in your life is key. All in all, if you can’t maintain that balance, it is probably time to rethink your relationship and whether or not to continue with during this vital time of growth and learning in your life.

Highlanders Anonymous: My roommates are pigs

“So I’ve been dating someone for a while now…and he won’t admit to anyone what we are but me. I really like him but I don’t think what he is doing is okay…what should I do?”

I would be wondering why he wouldn’t admit or tell anyone about the two of you being an item too. Although it might hurt your feelings that he won’t refer to you all as a couple in public, maybe he has a reason for it. If you’re in a work environment, people often keep their relationships on the “down low” to ensure privacy and not disrupt workplace relations.

However, if that’s not the case, it could be that he is just shy. Perhaps he’s afraid of changing the dynamics in your peer group. Don’t just sit watching and waiting for him to show you the answer you are looking for. Try and be straightforward with your feelings. I believe that the key to a healthy relationship is honesty. Also, if this is a deal breaker, make sure you get that across when you bring this issue up.

“I really want a dog but I can’t afford the fee of the pet deposit for my apartment. Any tips?”

I’m sorry, but I’m guessing that if you don’t have enough money for a pet deposit, you probably don’t have the money to keep a pet. There are numerous fees every month for a pet: food, flea prevention, vaccinations, etc. If you aren’t prepared to pay those when getting an animal, then don’t make the commitment!

“Help! My roommates are pigs! I have tried to bring it up but they end up mocking me and leaving. I don’t want to live like this anymore. What should I do?”

messycounterIMGS8348
“Help! My roommates are pigs!” Photo by: Caroline Leggett

Sometimes we’re stuck with roommates (and other not-so-friendly people) that won’t respect our standards of cleanliness. Even though it’s a pain, you’re going to have to just find your own way of coping. Try to make your room nice and spend more time in there or buy your own things so you won’t have to argue over people using the last clean spoon.

Hey, I’m pretty shy and I have been having trouble making friends in class. Are there any good methods on how to start a conversation without being too awkward? Should I just join a club or something?

I would say that most new interactions are going to be a little awkward, so brace yourself. I think that the best “method” to start a conversation is to just bring up a topic that’s relatable and take a seat with someone. That way you have time to talk and get to know one another. Joining a club is like being in a new little family. I definitely recommend that. You can make all sorts of great connections in a club.

That’s all for this week, folks. Don’t forget to submit your questions to Highlanders Anonymous too.

Highlanders Anonymous: He never texts me back

“What should I do if a boy says he likes me, but never texts me back and only does when I get mad?”

First of all, it could be that texting isn’t really his forté, although it’s unlikely. When you’re interested in somebody and they lead you to believe that they are too, things may get very frustrating. This is because you’ve built this person up to be someone in your mind that you are deserving of. That’s a good thing though. You want to set some standard for the people that you go out with.

However, you must know that not everyone is going to live up to your predetermined set of expectations. If they can’t do that, don’t wait up for them. In the end, you’ll only end up hurting yourself. Make sure you share your feelings with him before you go and write him off though. For example: If you don’t text me back, then it gives me the impression that you’re not interested. See what he has to say about that.

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“If you don’t text me back, then it gives me the impression that you’re not interested. See what he has to say about that.” Photo of: Jamie Zander. Photo by: Caroline Leggett.

“I have a friend who’s really similar to me and we have the same ambitions, so it’s really fun to work with her. Sometimes I feel like we compete too much. It gets to the point where we don’t feel like friends anymore. What do I do?”

It sounds to me like you might need to take a step back here and analyze your friendship. Why did you decide to be friends in the first place? If you feel that you still want to be friends after you answer that question, go outside of this work environment. Try doing something that friends do, where you can just relate to one another and do something fun. If that doesn’t go, maybe you all just don’t get along so well anymore. People change sometimes and can’t remain friends.

“What’s your opinion on the “Basic Bitch”? Some people think it’s ok, but others get really mad.”

I think that it’s a negative thing to call anyone a bitch in any context. The phrase “Basic Bitch” seems a little passive aggressive. If you don’t know your audience, it could be deemed offensive, so be careful when discussing it.

 

Thanks for all of the submissions, everyone. Good luck!

If you or someone you know has a problem, submit a question to Highlanders Anonymous.

Acting crazy doesn’t make you a better girlfriend

I recently saw a tweet that made me facepalm myself. A fellow female tweeted, “I’m sorry, but if your girlfriend doesn’t act absolutely insane toward you sometimes, she doesn’t love you.” Girls, this article’s for you. Guys, you can thank me later.

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“I know girls can act super crazy sometimes. I get super hormonal and emotional and even insecure from time to time.” Photo of: Selena Ruiz and Kevin Gray. Photo by: Danielle Johnson.

I know girls can act super crazy sometimes. I get super hormonal and emotional and even insecure from time to time. I know sometimes it can affect my significant other and make him want to rip his hair out, but I always make sure to apologize. But being crazy consistently in a relationship isn’t healthy and doesn’t prove you’re a more loving girlfriend. Being absolutely insane toward your partner will eventually push them away.

In my experience in relationships, I’ve found the best ones were the ones where I put my trust issues to the side and let myself trust someone. I’ve never felt the need to look through my partners phone or read their social media messages. However, I’ve had a very hard time trusting my significant other due to past experiences with people who weren’t so trust-worthy. If your partner does something that you’re uncomfortable with, confront them and take care of the issue like an adult. Don’t let it build up inside you and explode because most likely it won’t come out right.

I can’t imagine feeling so insecure in a relationship that I had to be constantly keeping tabs on my partner to feel like I could trust them. I know of several of my friends, mostly girls, who have asked to see their boyfriend’s phones and go through all of their texts and photos. I really don’t understand why anyone would continue a relationship where their partner didn’t make them feel secure. On the flip side of that, I can’t imagine why someone would want to stay with someone who was constantly keeping tabs on them. It’s not healthy.

The best relationships I’ve found are the ones where both people just let each other live their lives. One of my friends’ parents, for example, are one of the closest couples I’ve ever met. They’re more like best friends than husband and wife. However, they aren’t constantly keeping up with each other. When the husband leaves the house, he doesn’t feel the need to tell his wife where he’s going because she’s busy doing her own thing, and he’s usually just running errands or working.

Relationships are supposed to be built on trust and respect for each other. I’ve been lucky in my current relationship because I’ve never really felt like I couldn’t trust him. My boyfriend just moved across country to Colorado and although we text each other sporadically and call each other now and then, we aren’t constantly keeping up with each other. It’s nice to be able to shoot a text his way and talk a little bit, but it’s even better when we can call each other and have a lot to say because we aren’t constantly butting into each others business. Even from thousands of miles away, I feel secure in our relationship. I don’t need to worry that he’s giving someone else attention, because there’s no need to.

It can be really hard to feel secure if you’ve been with someone who’s given you a reason not to trust them. But until your current partner gives you a reason not to trust them, don’t act crazy and ask to see his or her phone and try to keep tabs on him. In the long run, it will make your partner appreciate you so much more and make you both happier.

Some nice friggin’ advice

Is there a problem eating away at you? Well, step right up and get a hot slice of advice pie from beauty guru and vlogger jpmetz on her YouTube channel, “theadviceannex.” Justine (AKA: jpmetz) states: “The Advice Annex answers questions from teens and young adults all over the world, using my own life experience and humor.”

Through her wildly funny big sister persona, this YouTube star seats herself in her bedroom littered with laundry and casually listens to calls and reads emails from her fans asking for her counsel. The questions range from college roommate fights and bad breakups to coping with anxiety and depression to struggles with sexuality.

Even if you have trouble sharing, you can always tune in to her videos and just listen. They provide inspiring, humorous, relatable, and genuine advice. Justine also includes a disclaimer in many of her videos, letting others know that she is in no way a professional and, on occasion, direct individuals toward counseling for more serious problems relating to addiction, self-harm, etc.

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“The questions range from college roommate fights and bad breakups to coping with anxiety and depression to struggles with sexuality.”

Although, these videos are currently available on YouTube, the channel has been on a hiatus for about eleven months. Therefore, I don’t recommend sending her any questions right now, since some matters you’d like feedback on are time-sensitive. However, there are eighty-six episodes full of material to listen to and you can follow her vlogs on any one of her other three channels: kickinggeese, JPMETZhasMS, and jpmetz.

Justine is twenty or thirty-something and a native New Jersey living. Her unique YouTube personality and passion has lead her to have over 200,000 subscribers and 18 million video views. Not only does did she host the advice annex, but also makes a living off of her uploads. Her content ranges from tutorials, rants, and vlogs, which she is still constantly updating.

If you’d like some advice from your local RU students, follow this link to submit your questions and have them answered through Highlanders Anonymous.

Highlanders Anonymous: Puppies and the “jealous type”

“I live off-campus and recently adopted a two month old puppy. She’s so cute and sweet, but won’t stop peeing on the floor. I take her out so often, but she still does it! I don’t know what to do. Help.”

Dog shaming. Graphic from dogshaming.com
Dog shaming. Graphic from dogshaming.com

The good news is that the reason she has to pee so often is that she’s a baby. In a few months her bladder will be bigger and she’ll need to pee less often. The bad news is that this is something you’ll have to wait for. If she’s peeing outside every time you take her, then she’s probably already trained to know that outside is the place to pee.

For now, take her out as often as possible, and then keep an eye on her when you let her walk around inside. When you can’t watch her, keep her in a kennel with a towel. This puppy period will take some patience, but its well worth it. Dogs are the most wonderful animals; you can come home to them after a bad day and they’ll be ready for you with kisses and cuddles.

“My boyfriend recently became friends with a girl in one of his classes and they hang out all the time. Last week he even blew off lunch with me to hangout with her. I’m not normally the jealous type, but this is really hurting my feelings. What do I do?”

There is no such thing as the “jealous type”. Everyone gets feelings of jealousy from time to time- it’s natural. It just means that you have someone you don’t want to lose, and are being protective. This is really hurting you, and you need to talk to him. In these situations, bottling up your feelings will only result in a big fight down the road where you may say a lot of things you don’t mean.

When you talk to him, don’t be accusatory and don’t slander his friend. Whether or not you’re fond of her, he is. He’ll take it personally if you talk badly about his new friend. Simply make it clear that your feelings are hurt, and that you’d like to spend a little more time with him.

Need a little advice? Send in your question to http://ask.fm/HighlandersAnonymous.

Why is being single a bad thing?

Although I haven’t been single for very long, I’ve noticed a lot of things ab0ut it that annoy me. I will often hear people say, “you just haven’t met the right person yet,” or “you just have to be patient, you’ll find someone!” To be honest, I think I’m okay with being single. If I found the right person, I wouldn’t fight it. But there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being single. Continue reading Why is being single a bad thing?